1 00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:06,548 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:18,935 Do I smell cupcakes? 3 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:22,397 - Ooh! Do I ever! - Homer. 4 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:23,833 Lisa's making these for her teacher. 5 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:26,985 Say no more. 6 00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:29,779 - Yum! Don't mind if I do. - Bart! 7 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,657 - Man! - Keep your greasy mitts outta there. 8 00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:36,036 - These are for Lisa's class. - It's Mrs. Hoover's birthday. 9 00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:39,039 - You know, there are names you. - No, there aren't. 10 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:42,584 - Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt kisser... - Bart! 11 00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:45,670 You're saying "butt kisser" like it's bad. 12 00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:51,885 Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little. 13 00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:54,804 I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. I like my teacher. 14 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,140 Sure, Lis. You see how it works, Bart? 15 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,434 A cupcake here, a good grade there. 16 00:00:59,517 --> 00:01:01,728 Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart 17 00:01:01,811 --> 00:01:03,521 and I pay attention and I study hard. 18 00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:07,150 Yeah, right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart: 19 00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:10,445 work, brains and - 20 00:01:10,528 --> 00:01:12,280 Brother. 21 00:01:12,363 --> 00:01:14,032 School bus. Gotta go. 22 00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:17,410 Heh-heh-heh. Doh! 23 00:01:18,661 --> 00:01:22,165 - Yo, Ottoman! - Yo, Bartdude! 24 00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:24,209 Hey, can you believe it, man? 25 00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:27,053 My sister here made a whole pile of cupcakes to butter up her teacher, 26 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:30,006 and she won't give anybody else even one measly little crumb. 27 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,008 That's bad news, man. 28 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,677 Here, Otto. I made an extra one for you. 29 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,555 - Thanks, little lady. - You're welcome. 30 00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:40,350 Whoa! 31 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:42,727 - Better let me hold these, Lis. - Forget it. 32 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:45,730 - You sniveling toad! You little egg sucker! - Tell me more. 33 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:48,149 Back-Scratcher. Foot-Licker. Honor student! 34 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,944 You'll never get one now, Mr. Name-Caller. 35 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:54,781 All right, all right. Look, I'm sorry. I-I got upset. 36 00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:55,990 In the heat of the moment, 37 00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,826 I said some things I didn't mean. 38 00:01:57,909 --> 00:02:00,203 - You weren't thinking, were you? - No. 39 00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:03,123 - I'm not a sniveling toad, am I? - Not really. 40 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,250 I'm not a little egg sucker, am I? 41 00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,502 - Of course not. - Then what am I? 42 00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:10,004 A beautiful human being. 43 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:11,881 What do you like best about me? 44 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,717 Well, I'd have to say... 45 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,512 your generous nature, your spirit of giving. 46 00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:19,013 Well... 47 00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:22,660 Open your mouth and close your eyes, 48 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,853 and you will get a big surprise. 49 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:33,444 Thanks, Lis. You're the best. 50 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:38,074 - Look, Janey. Cupcakes. - Give me that! 51 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,577 Hey, give those back! 52 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,079 Hey, what's the big idea? That's my sister, man. 53 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,414 So what? 54 00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:45,999 So give her back those cupcakes 55 00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:47,667 before I knock your block off. 56 00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:50,253 Don't, Bart! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz! 57 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,596 Ooh! 58 00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:05,602 Wha... 59 00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:07,687 Nelson, you're bleeding. 60 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,439 Nah, happens all the time. 61 00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,941 Somebody else's blood splatters on me. 62 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,527 Hey, wait a minute. 63 00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:15,945 You're right. 64 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,156 You made me bleed my own blood! 65 00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:21,284 It was an accident, man. 66 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:24,412 A terrible, ghastly mistake. Ask anybody. 67 00:03:27,498 --> 00:03:29,709 A cold wind. 68 00:03:29,792 --> 00:03:32,503 Hello, kids. Everything above the board here? 69 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,505 Good. Play friendly, children. 70 00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:36,925 There's your bell. 71 00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:39,844 Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now. 72 00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:41,721 I'll get you after school, man. 73 00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:43,306 But... 74 00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:45,308 No, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. 75 00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:46,711 Now hurry up. It's time for class. 76 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,144 But... 77 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:51,231 Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot. 78 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,117 Okay, Nelson, put up your dukes! 79 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,370 Whaa! 80 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,917 Yikes! 81 00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:14,504 Ha, ha, ha! 82 00:04:16,714 --> 00:04:18,841 Ha, ha, ha! 83 00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:26,849 Aah! 84 00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:31,771 - Stop! - Lunchtime! 85 00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:34,691 Ha, ha, ha! 86 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:37,360 - Lunchtime! - Aah! 87 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:40,947 Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime. 88 00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:43,866 I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive. 89 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:46,953 You've gotta tell Principal Skinner, Bart. 90 00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:48,955 I can't squeal. 91 00:04:49,038 --> 00:04:51,457 It would violate the code of the schoolyard. 92 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,543 Hey, everybody! 93 00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:56,629 Here comes my brother, Bart the bully-killer! 94 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:59,465 You're our hero, Bart! 95 00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:00,591 Look, everybody. 96 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:02,755 I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this. 97 00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,721 I'm not sayin' I'm not a hero. 98 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,473 I'm just saying that I fear for my safety. 99 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:14,188 Look out! 100 00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:16,316 Nelson, it was all a mistake. 101 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,276 This is how it happened, man. 102 00:05:18,359 --> 00:05:20,570 Listen up. You may get a kick out of it. 103 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,780 My sister was making cupcakes this morning and... 104 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:25,616 I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15. 105 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,618 And you better be prompt. 106 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:30,621 He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon. 107 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,922 Good-bye, little dude. 108 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:42,508 - He looks so lifelike, man. - Yes. 109 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,844 The school nurse did a wonderful job 110 00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:47,221 reconstructing his little face after the fight. 111 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:48,514 ♪♪ 112 00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:50,850 Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. 113 00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:53,102 All that homework was a waste of your time. 114 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,813 Thanks, Bart. We got the day off from school for this. 115 00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:58,149 - Yeah, and I got the day off from work. - Homer! 116 00:05:58,232 --> 00:06:00,026 Who wants a day off from work 117 00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:02,820 when I'm never gonna see my beloved son again? 118 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:06,366 Bart! Bart! 119 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,368 That's better, Homer. 120 00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:11,954 Be brave. Bye-bye, Bart. 121 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:16,250 You were always my special little guy. 122 00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:21,464 Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted. 123 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:24,884 I can't help but think if I had just given it to you in the first place, 124 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:28,388 this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided. 125 00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,390 I know you can't eat it now, 126 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:34,435 so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead. 127 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:37,522 Hey, look. They got food at this thing. 128 00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:40,108 Here's one for the road, dude. 129 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,497 - Aah! - Put 'em up. 130 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,968 Boy, you sure taught me a lesson. 131 00:07:07,051 --> 00:07:09,345 Whoo. Thanks, guys. 132 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,932 I guess now all that's left is a hearty handshake. 133 00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:14,684 Right, guys? 134 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:18,813 I'm gonna get you again tomorrow, Simpson. 135 00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:21,774 Is 3:15 good for you? 136 00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,776 Not really. 137 00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,778 Too bad. 138 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,905 No. 139 00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:32,910 Man, that guy's tough to love. 140 00:07:49,343 --> 00:07:51,429 Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. 141 00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:54,390 - Tough day at school, boy? - Bart, what happened to you? 142 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:58,811 Let's just say I paid the inevitable price for helping out my sister. 143 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:01,689 So, you had a little scuffle? Heh-Heh. 144 00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:02,940 Hope you won. 145 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:07,820 I'm gonna miss you, big guy. 146 00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,702 Bart, your mother has the fool idea... 147 00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:17,997 that you're upset about something. 148 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:22,210 Dad, I need help. Please. 149 00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,504 Now come on, Bart. 150 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,839 We don't want your mother to see you crying. 151 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,841 - Here. - Man. 152 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:30,718 Let me help you dry those tears. 153 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:36,265 So what's the problem, son? 154 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,852 - I had a run-in with a bully. - A bully? 155 00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:42,688 Come on, Marge! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa. 156 00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:46,108 Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this. 157 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,110 I guess I could do that. 158 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:52,365 What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart died. 159 00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,534 What on Earth are you talking about, Homer? 160 00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,702 The code of the schoolyard, Marge. 161 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,455 The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. 162 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:03,417 Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. 163 00:09:03,501 --> 00:09:05,836 Never say anything 164 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,506 unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. 165 00:09:08,589 --> 00:09:10,883 - What else? - Homer, that's ridiculous. 166 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:14,053 Bart, instead of fighting, 167 00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:16,055 why don't you try a little understanding? 168 00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:18,266 - What do you mean, Mom? - Yeah, right. 169 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,851 - This oughta be good for a laugh. - Shh! 170 00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:23,938 This bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side? 171 00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:26,774 Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right. 172 00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,402 And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either. 173 00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:30,820 No, he's pretty dumb. 174 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,506 He's in all the same special classes I am. 175 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:35,992 - That's why he lashes out at the world. - Marge. 176 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:39,328 So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. 177 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,956 You'll be surprised how far a little understanding will go. 178 00:09:42,039 --> 00:09:45,126 Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi. 179 00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:47,628 Let's go, boy. 180 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:51,299 Now here's that bully of yours. Show me your stuff. 181 00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:57,638 No, no! Not like that! Like this! 182 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:06,981 See that, boy? 183 00:10:07,064 --> 00:10:08,441 You didn't expect that, did you? 184 00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:09,650 And neither will he. 185 00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,986 You mean I should fight dirty, Dad? 186 00:10:12,069 --> 00:10:14,488 Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons 187 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:17,212 sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own. 188 00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:18,784 Amen. 189 00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,286 So the next time this bully 190 00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:21,680 thinks you're gonna throw a punch, 191 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,831 you throw a glob of mud in his eyes! 192 00:10:23,914 --> 00:10:25,934 And then you sock him when he's staggerin' around blinded! 193 00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:27,918 - Yeah! - And there's nothing wrong... 194 00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:30,338 with hitting someone when his back is turned. 195 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,548 - Gotcha. - And if you get the chance, 196 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,884 get him right in the family jewels. 197 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:38,471 That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations. 198 00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:41,265 Thanks, Pop. 199 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,770 - Whoa! - Put 'em up! 200 00:10:45,853 --> 00:10:48,773 Ha! Ooh! 201 00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:53,611 Remember the family jewels, son. 202 00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,537 No, boys. Not the can, please. 203 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,539 Doh! 204 00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:13,839 Bart, you can't go on like this. 205 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,883 I know. 206 00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:18,052 - Why don't you go see grandpa? - What can he do? 207 00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:21,180 He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive. 208 00:11:21,263 --> 00:11:23,182 - He is? - Yeah. 209 00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:25,505 Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home? 210 00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:29,647 I'm here to see Grandpa. 211 00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:33,192 Half the people here are named Grandpa. 212 00:11:33,275 --> 00:11:36,612 Well, Grandpa Simpson then. 213 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:39,407 Second floor, third dank room on the left. 214 00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,200 Thanks, lady. 215 00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:43,577 "Dear advertisers, 216 00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:48,708 "I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. 217 00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:52,795 "We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. 218 00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:56,465 "Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals 219 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,968 "who remember the good old days 220 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:02,763 "when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. 221 00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,516 "The following is a list of words... 222 00:12:05,599 --> 00:12:08,936 "I never want to hear on television again. 223 00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:11,856 "Number one: Bra. 224 00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:14,442 "Number two: Horny. 225 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:17,111 Number three: Family Jewels." 226 00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:19,947 - Hi, Grandpa! - Bart, what brings you here? 227 00:12:20,030 --> 00:12:22,199 I need some advice, Grandpa. 228 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:25,661 See, there's this bully at school who keeps beating me up. 229 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,580 Let me tell you somethin', boy. 230 00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,582 If you don't stand up for yourself, 231 00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:32,251 bullies are gonna be pickin' on you for the rest of your life. 232 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:34,044 Simpson, give me your newspaper! 233 00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:37,006 - Why should I? - I wanna do the crossword puzzle. 234 00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:39,049 No, I want to do the crossword puzzle! 235 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:41,302 - I said, give me that puzzle. - No. 236 00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:42,511 - Give me! - No! 237 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,721 - Give me! - No! 238 00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:51,437 Heh-heh-heh. 239 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,857 Well, I guess I can't help you, but I know someone who can. 240 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,738 - Here? - Yep, this is it. 241 00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:02,740 What's the password? 242 00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:06,202 - Let me in, you idiot! - Yeah, right you are. 243 00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:09,497 So, Herman, has the large-type edition... 244 00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:12,124 of this month's "Soldier of Fortune" come in yet? 245 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,126 No, not yet. 246 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:17,129 Can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants? 247 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,673 No! Actually, we came over 248 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,842 because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart. 249 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,011 Hello, young American. 250 00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:27,014 Hello, sir. Mr. Herman? 251 00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,016 Yes? 252 00:13:29,099 --> 00:13:31,435 Did you lose your arm in the war? 253 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:34,355 My arm? Well, let me put it this way. 254 00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:36,106 Next time your teacher tells you 255 00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:38,943 to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it! 256 00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:40,569 Yes, sir, I will. 257 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,029 Bart's got a problem 258 00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:43,781 with a local young bully named Nelson. 259 00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:46,784 I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy. 260 00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:50,204 Strategy. How many men do you have? 261 00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,206 - None. - You'll need more. 262 00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:56,043 And you'll need to train them hard! Now, let's see. 263 00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,128 Okay. 264 00:13:58,212 --> 00:14:01,715 The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. 265 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,884 The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. 266 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,970 Now you know it. 267 00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:08,430 First you'll need a declaration of war. 268 00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:13,352 That way, everything you do will be nice and legal. 269 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:16,856 Okay, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian war. 270 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:21,318 I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read "Bart Simpson." 271 00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:23,696 Psst! 272 00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:27,575 - Grandpa, I think this guy's a little nuts. - Yeah? 273 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:30,911 Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. 274 00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:33,998 And this guy is completely out of his mind. 275 00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:36,834 We can't fail! 276 00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:38,836 ♪♪ 277 00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:51,056 Psst! Pass it on! 278 00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,663 So, mister, what are we doin' here anyway? 279 00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:58,689 I wonder where Bart is. 280 00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:01,734 Yeah. It's way past 1500 hours. 281 00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:08,824 Okay, we all know why we're here, right? 282 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,785 - No. Why? - To fight Nelson the bully. 283 00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:15,956 That guy has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it. 284 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:20,210 I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times. 285 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:21,670 But the one thing I do know... 286 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,631 Whoa, whoa! All right! Okay! 287 00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:26,967 I promise you victory! I promise you good times! 288 00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:33,432 ♪ I got a "B" in Arithmetic ♪ 289 00:15:33,515 --> 00:15:35,434 ♪ I got a "B" in Arithmetic ♪ 290 00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,436 ♪ Would've got an "A" but I was sick ♪ 291 00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:39,438 ♪ Would've got an "A" but I was sick ♪ 292 00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,442 Aah! 293 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,366 ♪ We are rubber you are glue ♪ 294 00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,368 ♪ We are rubber you are glue ♪ 295 00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,370 ♪ It bounces off of us and sticks to you ♪ 296 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,455 ♪ It bounces off of us and sticks to you ♪ 297 00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:58,457 - ♪ Sound off ♪ - ♪ One, two ♪ 298 00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,459 - ♪ Sound off ♪ - ♪ Three, four ♪ 299 00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,523 Go! 300 00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:24,900 Go! 301 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:28,028 - What's the matter with you, soldier? - It's my nerves, sir. 302 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,197 I just can't stand the barking anymore. 303 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,824 Your nerves? 304 00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:34,201 I won't have cowards in my army. 305 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:36,203 Sorry, Bart. 306 00:16:36,286 --> 00:16:38,539 You can push them out of a plane, 307 00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:40,708 you can march them off a cliff, 308 00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:44,670 you can send 'em off to die on some godforsaken rock, 309 00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:48,173 but for some reason, you can't slap 'em. 310 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:50,217 Now apologize to that boy right now. 311 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,136 - Sorry, man. - It's cool. 312 00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:54,680 ♪ In English class I did the best ♪ 313 00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:56,890 ♪ In English class I did the best ♪ 314 00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:58,892 ♪ Because I cheated on the test ♪ 315 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:00,894 ♪ Because I cheated on the test ♪ 316 00:17:00,978 --> 00:17:02,896 - ♪ Sound off ♪ - ♪ One, two ♪ 317 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,940 - I can't hear you! - ♪ Three, four ♪ 318 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,693 All right, there's your enemy. Now hit him! 319 00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,695 Hit him! 320 00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:12,448 Let's go, next group. Martinez! Steinberg! 321 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,242 O'hara! Chang! Olajuwon! Herman! 322 00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:21,165 Die! Die! 323 00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:23,167 ♪ We are happy we are merry ♪ 324 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,419 ♪ We are happy we are merry ♪ 325 00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:27,421 ♪ We got a rhyming dictionary ♪ 326 00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:29,548 ♪ We got a rhyming dictionary ♪ 327 00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,592 - ♪ Sound off ♪ - ♪ One, two ♪ 328 00:17:31,675 --> 00:17:33,635 - One more time! - ♪ Three, four ♪ 329 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,596 Bring it on home now! 330 00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:38,432 ♪ One, two, three, four one, two, three, four ♪ 331 00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:42,644 Nelson's at the Elm Street video arcade. 332 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:46,106 Intelligence indicates he shakes down kids for quarters at the arcade. 333 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:48,442 Then he heads to the Quick-E-Mart for a cherry squishy. 334 00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:50,444 Then that's where we'll hit him. 335 00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:53,614 When he leaves the Quick-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. 336 00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:56,283 - We got the water balloons? - Two hundred rounds, sir. 337 00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:58,452 Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side? 338 00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:00,746 Well, I'd rather they say "Death From Above," 339 00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:03,040 but I guess we're stuck. 340 00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:06,668 Okay, our main force will be split into two groups. 341 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,922 One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat, 342 00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:14,301 the other will drive in this way, closing the trap. 343 00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:16,178 It's a classic pincers movement. 344 00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:18,388 - It can't fail against a ten-year-old. - Heh-heh! 345 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,974 - Nelson's at the arcade, General. - Battle stations. 346 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:23,477 - I feel so alive! - You know, 347 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,479 I thought I was too old. 348 00:18:25,562 --> 00:18:27,981 I thought my time had passed. 349 00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:31,610 I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain 350 00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:34,696 or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. 351 00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:36,698 Thank heaven for children. 352 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,700 Hey, good squishies. 353 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,702 - What flavor did you get? - Blue. 354 00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,663 Hey, you two birds! 355 00:18:42,746 --> 00:18:43,932 You're gonna be suckin' all your meals through straws 356 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,249 if you don't shut your traps. 357 00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:51,588 Well, looky here. Little Bart Simpson. 358 00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:54,216 Nelson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson. 359 00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:56,510 Ha! Yeah? You and what army? 360 00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:58,679 This one. 361 00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:01,098 Artillery, 362 00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:03,433 commence saturation bombing! 363 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,121 Hey! 364 00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:28,709 All right, you kids! Keep it down! 365 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:30,711 Am I making myself... 366 00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:33,213 Heh-heh-heh! Got him! 367 00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:36,258 You, up in the tree. The tall gray-haired kid. 368 00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:39,219 Get your butt down here right now! Doh! 369 00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:43,056 No! Please! 370 00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,225 - Don't hurt us! - We surrender. 371 00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,686 W-W-We were only followin' orders! 372 00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:01,158 Eww! Knock it off! 373 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:06,205 I guess you learned your lesson, so now I'll untie you. 374 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,373 The second you untie me, 375 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:10,709 I'm gonna beat you to death, man. 376 00:20:10,792 --> 00:20:12,711 Well, if that's gonna be your attitude, 377 00:20:12,794 --> 00:20:14,379 I'm not gonna untie you. 378 00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,882 Ha! You're gonna have to sometime. 379 00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:20,260 He's right. 380 00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:21,678 Don't you worry. 381 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,556 I was ready for this little eventuality. 382 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,769 Armistice treaty, article four. 383 00:20:28,852 --> 00:20:33,398 "Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger." Article five. 384 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:37,027 "Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist." Article six. 385 00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:40,239 "Although Nelson shall have no official power, 386 00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:43,033 he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood." 387 00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:45,619 Wow. Sounds good to me. Okay, I'll sign. 388 00:20:45,702 --> 00:20:46,745 What about you, boy? 389 00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:48,288 All right, I'll sign. 390 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:49,873 Are you boys through playing war? 391 00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:51,792 - Yeah. - Yes, Mrs. Simpson. 392 00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:55,128 - Good. Then here's some cupcakes. - Boy! 393 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:57,506 Cupcakes. 394 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:03,845 Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, 395 00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:05,847 contrary to what you've just seen, 396 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:08,433 war is neither glamorous nor fun. 397 00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:11,270 There are no winners. Only losers. 398 00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:14,690 There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: 399 00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:17,776 The American Revolution, World War II, and the "Star Wars" trilogy. 400 00:21:17,859 --> 00:21:19,444 If you'd like to learn more about war, 401 00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:21,738 there's lots of books in your local library... 402 00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:23,740 Many of them with cool, gory pictures. 403 00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:26,576 Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man. 404 00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,620 ♪♪ 405 00:21:30,706 --> 00:21:33,333 ♪♪ 406 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,562 Shh!