1
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:14,166
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

2
00:00:14,250 --> 00:00:15,500
Keep going!

3
00:00:16,166 --> 00:00:17,000
[bottle clatters]

4
00:00:17,083 --> 00:00:19,500
[burping]

5
00:00:20,041 --> 00:00:25,000
I am the harbinger
of the spicy rooster apocalypse.

6
00:00:25,083 --> 00:00:28,416
I am a hydrogen bomb with a beard.

7
00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:32,625
I hold the flames
of a thousand collapsed stars.

8
00:00:33,208 --> 00:00:34,916
I am…

9
00:00:35,416 --> 00:00:39,750
Godracha!

10
00:00:39,833 --> 00:00:41,833
[screaming]

11
00:00:45,208 --> 00:00:46,500
[continues screaming]

12
00:00:46,583 --> 00:00:47,625
[dramatic sting]

13
00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:51,125
[objects clattering]

14
00:00:53,208 --> 00:00:55,166
[panting]

15
00:00:56,166 --> 00:00:57,750
[resumes screaming]

16
00:00:57,833 --> 00:00:59,833
[theme music playing]

17
00:01:08,333 --> 00:01:10,458
[male voice]
Hello there, unwitting mortal.

18
00:01:10,541 --> 00:01:13,791
Enter the portal,
and undo your greatest regret,

19
00:01:13,875 --> 00:01:18,291
such as losing the love of your life
or getting hair plugs in Tijuana.

20
00:01:18,375 --> 00:01:21,041
I call it the Regret Portal.

21
00:01:21,125 --> 00:01:24,500
It reaches into your subconscious,
finds your biggest regret,

22
00:01:24,583 --> 00:01:30,000
and tempts you to go back in time
to change it in exchange for your soul.

23
00:01:30,083 --> 00:01:31,708
I'd probably go back

24
00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:34,625
and get my
Dave Matthews Band tattoo removed.

25
00:01:34,708 --> 00:01:38,000
Okay. If you can sell it to the board,
I suppose I'm in.

26
00:01:38,083 --> 00:01:40,000
You can mention it to him tonight
at the wedding.

27
00:01:40,083 --> 00:01:42,583
Good chance to warm 'em up
to the idea informally.

28
00:01:42,666 --> 00:01:45,833
-Wedding? What wedding?
-Didn't you get the omen?

29
00:01:47,583 --> 00:01:50,208
-[crows cawing]
-[thudding]

30
00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:55,833
It's your cousin Sheila's wedding,
and we feel that it might look awkward

31
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,166
if you didn't attend.

32
00:01:57,250 --> 00:02:01,000
Ugh! Do I have to? Sheila was part
of that cool clique in high school.

33
00:02:01,083 --> 00:02:04,541
They'd call me "Beelzebubulbous"
every time I ate a soul.

34
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:09,041
Well, you weren't the CEO of Hell then,
were you? Demand respect.

35
00:02:09,125 --> 00:02:10,958
You know what? You're right.

36
00:02:11,041 --> 00:02:12,958
I should demand their respect.

37
00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:15,041
Good. Oh, and bring a plus one.

38
00:02:15,125 --> 00:02:18,291
There are rumors floating around
about why you aren't married yet.

39
00:02:18,375 --> 00:02:19,583
What kind of rumors?

40
00:02:19,666 --> 00:02:22,541
That you're ugly. I mean,
I guess they're not really rumors, huh?

41
00:02:22,625 --> 00:02:25,125
More like observations based on your face.

42
00:02:25,208 --> 00:02:27,208
Anyway, I'd bring a date.

43
00:02:28,708 --> 00:02:31,250
[sighing]
Where am I gonna find a plus one?

44
00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:32,458
[Godcat] Mmm. Uh--

45
00:02:32,541 --> 00:02:34,791
[licking]

46
00:02:35,833 --> 00:02:36,791
Mmm. Mmm.

47
00:02:36,875 --> 00:02:37,916
Ugh!

48
00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:41,458
For the millionth time, not a chance.

49
00:02:41,541 --> 00:02:43,083
No way. No.

50
00:02:43,166 --> 00:02:47,000
-[mystical tone plays]
-Come on! Weddings in Hell are amazing.

51
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:51,500
Plus, tonight's a big deal for me.
I'm gonna pitch the board my new idea.

52
00:02:51,583 --> 00:02:54,916
It's called the Regret Portal.

53
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,333
It allows humans to go back in time
and fix their one biggest regret.

54
00:02:58,416 --> 00:03:02,666
I'd go back in time, and stop you from
giving it such a stupid name. [laughs]

55
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,541
-Up top. [laughs]
-Right?

56
00:03:04,625 --> 00:03:07,208
Hey, I'll change you back
into God form for the night,

57
00:03:07,291 --> 00:03:09,708
in a disguise,
so no one will know it's you.

58
00:03:09,791 --> 00:03:11,500
For the last time I--

59
00:03:12,250 --> 00:03:15,666
In disguise? Hah. All right, I'll go.

60
00:03:15,750 --> 00:03:17,208
Yes! Thank you!

61
00:03:17,291 --> 00:03:20,208
Okay, I'll order us a hellhole.
See you in a few.

62
00:03:20,291 --> 00:03:23,708
[in singsong] Ooh.
Someone's got a date with the devil.

63
00:03:23,791 --> 00:03:25,041
It's not a date.

64
00:03:25,125 --> 00:03:28,875
It's an opportunity
to snoop around Hell in disguise.

65
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:32,541
Heaven's board would love it
if I uncovered the root of all evil.

66
00:03:32,625 --> 00:03:36,166
I'm betting it's either greed,
lust, or VeggieTales.

67
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,875
-[line rings, beeps]
-Cheryl, it's me.

68
00:03:37,958 --> 00:03:39,375
Get Aslandeus and Craig on--

69
00:03:39,916 --> 00:03:41,500
Denise? Where's Cheryl?

70
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,083
A sick day?

71
00:03:43,166 --> 00:03:45,041
Well, how could she be sick?
She's a fairy.

72
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,625
I don't even think they have organs.

73
00:03:48,166 --> 00:03:49,166
[grunting]

74
00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:55,333
♪ …foot in
You take your right foot out ♪

75
00:03:55,416 --> 00:03:57,333
♪ You do the Horky Porky
And you turn… ♪

76
00:03:57,416 --> 00:03:58,958
[dramatic music playing]

77
00:03:59,916 --> 00:04:03,666
♪ You put your right foot in
You take your right foot out ♪

78
00:04:03,750 --> 00:04:06,166
♪ You do the Horky Porky
And you turn yourself-- ♪

79
00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:08,666
The "Horky Porky"?

80
00:04:08,750 --> 00:04:10,458
[all laughing]

81
00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:12,708
[moaning, groaning]

82
00:04:12,791 --> 00:04:15,208
[Regret Portal voice]
Wanna go back and change it, huh?

83
00:04:16,833 --> 00:04:20,041
-That's right. Fix that regret.
-Hmm.

84
00:04:21,291 --> 00:04:24,291
-Travis? What is that thing?
-It's a Regret Portal.

85
00:04:24,375 --> 00:04:27,708
Don't trip. It's just a prototype.
It won't actually take my soul.

86
00:04:28,541 --> 00:04:32,250
I'm going back in time
to undo my biggest regret,

87
00:04:32,333 --> 00:04:34,583
singing that Horky Porky song.

88
00:04:34,666 --> 00:04:37,166
You can't do that. You could screw up
the space-time continuum.

89
00:04:37,250 --> 00:04:39,208
Yes. Yeah, I agree.

90
00:04:39,291 --> 00:04:41,875
Better to just leave it
in the past, buddy.

91
00:04:41,958 --> 00:04:46,666
I did one stupid thing when I was little,
and because some jerk live-streamed it,

92
00:04:46,750 --> 00:04:48,666
I get bullied non-stop.

93
00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:52,916
If I don't make it back,
cover my grave in Reese's cups and hentai.

94
00:04:53,458 --> 00:04:56,041
I wish to die as I lived.

95
00:04:56,125 --> 00:04:59,833
Well I have always wanted
to do father-son time travel with you.

96
00:04:59,916 --> 00:05:02,583
Well, at least that's what
my dad called it when he'd black out

97
00:05:02,666 --> 00:05:04,958
from drinking bong water
on his custody weekends.

98
00:05:05,041 --> 00:05:06,708
No! Dad, don't you realize what--

99
00:05:06,791 --> 00:05:08,208
[Regret Portal whirs, dings]

100
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:09,750
-[Travis screams]
-[Marv gasps]

101
00:05:10,541 --> 00:05:11,458
[both grunt]

102
00:05:11,541 --> 00:05:13,041
[Regret Portal Voice]
Welcome, Travis Higgins,

103
00:05:13,125 --> 00:05:15,333
to the day of your biggest regret.

104
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,458
Wow. This is so neat.

105
00:05:17,541 --> 00:05:20,750
Maybe I should go back
and fix my biggest regret,

106
00:05:20,833 --> 00:05:22,916
investing my life savings in Friendster.

107
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,333
Okay, Dad.
Look for someone streaming on an iPad.

108
00:05:26,416 --> 00:05:29,208
That's the butt-dumpster
who ruined my life.

109
00:05:30,458 --> 00:05:31,666
[soft music playing]

110
00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:35,625
Oh. SEAL Team Three.
They put the "friendly" in friendly fire.

111
00:05:35,708 --> 00:05:37,875
-[door slams]
-Mom, we have an emergency.

112
00:05:37,958 --> 00:05:41,166
A real emergency,
or one of your pretend Greta emergencies?

113
00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:44,291
I need your help.
There's a chance that Dad and Travis

114
00:05:44,375 --> 00:05:46,916
are about to collapse the universe
upon itself.

115
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,083
That is an emergency!

116
00:05:49,166 --> 00:05:51,125
This will be so much fun.

117
00:05:51,208 --> 00:05:53,916
I used to love going on missions
with my SEAL team.

118
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,041
Except for the time
when we got stranded on a mountain

119
00:05:56,125 --> 00:05:58,250
and had to eat my friend Kathy's feet.

120
00:05:58,333 --> 00:06:00,250
-[Regret Portal dings]
-[both screaming]

121
00:06:00,333 --> 00:06:01,250
[both grunting]

122
00:06:01,750 --> 00:06:03,458
[Regret Portal voice]
Welcome, Abby Higgins,

123
00:06:03,541 --> 00:06:05,333
to the day of your biggest regret.

124
00:06:06,208 --> 00:06:08,791
Oh no! It appears
since you touched the portal, Mom,

125
00:06:08,875 --> 00:06:11,416
we are at the day of your biggest regret.

126
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:13,875
My biggest regret? What is my biggest--

127
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,833
[percussive music playing]

128
00:06:17,583 --> 00:06:18,875
Of course.

129
00:06:18,958 --> 00:06:20,458
[Abbie] Seventeen years ago,

130
00:06:20,541 --> 00:06:24,000
I was sent to bring
the world's worst dictator to justice,

131
00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:25,583
Grizzly Jung Un.

132
00:06:25,666 --> 00:06:28,583
We got intel he was about to attack Alaska

133
00:06:28,666 --> 00:06:32,041
and seize control
of their strategic flannel reserves.

134
00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:33,625
I was at a crossroads.

135
00:06:33,708 --> 00:06:37,541
I'd been in the SEALs
for a while and wanted a change of pace.

136
00:06:37,625 --> 00:06:40,208
Something came over me that morning,
and I quit.

137
00:06:40,291 --> 00:06:43,125
The Alaskan flannel industry
never recovered.

138
00:06:43,208 --> 00:06:45,041
I've never forgiven myself.

139
00:06:45,125 --> 00:06:49,166
But now I'm back,
and I can finally set things right by--

140
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:52,458
Oh. But that would screw up
the whole space-time thingy, huh?

141
00:06:53,208 --> 00:06:57,916
Well, I suppose we've already messed up
the timeline simply by being here.

142
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,166
Maybe after this,
we could bring other evildoers to justice

143
00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:04,041
like Ted Bundy or the California Raisins.

144
00:07:04,125 --> 00:07:08,000
Really? Oh, honey,
this will be so fun. Come on.

145
00:07:08,708 --> 00:07:10,333
[Godcat screaming]

146
00:07:10,958 --> 00:07:12,750
[panting]

147
00:07:15,125 --> 00:07:16,625
Oh man.

148
00:07:16,708 --> 00:07:19,375
Good to be back in my old body again.

149
00:07:19,458 --> 00:07:21,875
I forgot how incredible being hot feels.

150
00:07:21,958 --> 00:07:25,583
-Hey, where does that door go?
-Dad's office. No one's allowed in.

151
00:07:25,666 --> 00:07:27,833
Now remember,
if a succubus tries to shake your hand,

152
00:07:27,916 --> 00:07:29,541
it's polite to pull out her fingernails.

153
00:07:29,625 --> 00:07:32,291
Don't make eye contact with Medusa.
She won't turn you into stone.

154
00:07:32,375 --> 00:07:35,333
She's just super talkative,
and you'll get stuck for like an hour.

155
00:07:35,416 --> 00:07:37,416
["Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol playing]

156
00:07:39,541 --> 00:07:41,416
[screaming]

157
00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:44,791
[demons sighing, groaning]

158
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,000
[screaming in distance]

159
00:07:48,083 --> 00:07:50,333
[gasps] Look, it's the board.

160
00:07:50,416 --> 00:07:53,250
Okay. This is my chance
to sell them on the Regret Portal.

161
00:07:53,333 --> 00:07:54,166
You good?

162
00:07:54,250 --> 00:07:56,000
Yeah, just gonna mingle.

163
00:07:56,083 --> 00:07:59,166
Do some demon-watching,
you know, have a look around.

164
00:07:59,875 --> 00:08:00,750
[slurping]

165
00:08:00,833 --> 00:08:02,708
Hi. I'm…

166
00:08:02,791 --> 00:08:04,791
[growling, grunting]

167
00:08:07,916 --> 00:08:09,000
Well, hello.

168
00:08:09,083 --> 00:08:12,666
I'm Bloodvomit McSports-Hernia.

169
00:08:12,750 --> 00:08:13,750
Enchanté.

170
00:08:13,833 --> 00:08:15,541
So then, I says, so then, I says,

171
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:19,666
"Don't look at me, Walt.
EPCOT Center was your idea."

172
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:20,583
[all laughing]

173
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:23,666
Oh yeah! [forced laughter]

174
00:08:24,791 --> 00:08:27,208
Hello, Beelzebub. Good to see you.

175
00:08:27,291 --> 00:08:31,125
You learned how to be evil yet?
Maybe just become a chiropractor.

176
00:08:31,208 --> 00:08:32,083
[demons laugh]

177
00:08:32,166 --> 00:08:37,083
Ha, ha. Good one. Actually,
I have a new idea I'd like to run by you.

178
00:08:37,166 --> 00:08:39,833
Let's find our table,
and I'll tell you all about it.

179
00:08:39,916 --> 00:08:43,500
Oh. We told Dan he could switch
with you and sit at our table.

180
00:08:43,583 --> 00:08:44,916
[kissing]

181
00:08:46,041 --> 00:08:49,291
Eh, you could sit
at his spot at table nine.

182
00:08:49,375 --> 00:08:51,375
[screaming]

183
00:08:55,375 --> 00:08:56,541
[whimpers]

184
00:08:56,625 --> 00:08:59,833
[scoffs] You're not gonna believe this.
Look at the buffet line.

185
00:08:59,916 --> 00:09:04,583
Meatloaf, the musician, is standing there
holding a plate of meatloaf, the food.

186
00:09:04,666 --> 00:09:06,666
-Come on, let's get a pic.
-[laughs]

187
00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:07,750
[laughs]

188
00:09:07,833 --> 00:09:11,083
Wait 'til I get my hands
on the jerk who filmed me.

189
00:09:11,166 --> 00:09:13,416
Hey, Dad,
you've led a life of humiliation.

190
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:16,500
What's more painful,
a titty twister or a teste twirler?

191
00:09:17,416 --> 00:09:18,250
[gulping]

192
00:09:21,291 --> 00:09:23,458
There! There he is. Get him!

193
00:09:23,541 --> 00:09:25,666
Um… Wait! Better idea.

194
00:09:25,750 --> 00:09:27,000
The fire alarm.

195
00:09:27,750 --> 00:09:29,541
-[alarm ringing]
-[people screaming]

196
00:09:31,875 --> 00:09:34,583
Hell yeah. Great idea, Dad.

197
00:09:35,458 --> 00:09:37,041
[soft music playing]

198
00:09:37,125 --> 00:09:38,750
Come on, buddy. Let's get back.

199
00:09:40,416 --> 00:09:41,625
[Regret Portal dings]

200
00:09:48,416 --> 00:09:50,208
[heavenly music plays]

201
00:09:50,291 --> 00:09:53,083
Wow. I'm finally free.

202
00:09:53,166 --> 00:09:55,416
Uh, Travis, buddy?

203
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:57,166
-[loud thud]
-[people screaming]

204
00:09:57,250 --> 00:09:59,166
[dramatic music playing]

205
00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:01,083
[roaring]

206
00:10:05,291 --> 00:10:07,708
How could this happen
from undoing one thing?

207
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,083
-[alarm ringing]
-[people screaming]

208
00:10:15,041 --> 00:10:15,958
[dings]

209
00:10:17,458 --> 00:10:20,416
Man, false alarm!

210
00:10:21,541 --> 00:10:24,208
I've had enough
of these false alarms, Chief.

211
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,708
I need to focus on my true passion,

212
00:10:26,791 --> 00:10:29,541
gene splicing!

213
00:10:29,625 --> 00:10:31,000
[ominous music playing]

214
00:10:38,833 --> 00:10:40,583
[laughing evilly]

215
00:10:43,416 --> 00:10:45,291
[roaring]

216
00:10:47,666 --> 00:10:49,000
[laughing evilly]

217
00:10:51,375 --> 00:10:53,583
We have to undo the undo.

218
00:10:53,666 --> 00:10:56,208
So I guess we have to do the do.

219
00:10:56,291 --> 00:10:59,291
Oh. That's where that phrase comes from.

220
00:10:59,375 --> 00:11:03,125
No, I say we train the shark dragons
to be service animals that can--

221
00:11:03,791 --> 00:11:05,208
[dramatic music plays]

222
00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:06,583
-[roaring]
-[screaming]

223
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,291
Okay, I was wrong.

224
00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:09,833
Very, very wrong.

225
00:11:09,916 --> 00:11:11,125
[upbeat music playing]

226
00:11:11,708 --> 00:11:12,833
[grunting]

227
00:11:14,791 --> 00:11:16,333
Yeah! Hell yeah!

228
00:11:16,416 --> 00:11:17,500
[all cheering]

229
00:11:18,583 --> 00:11:20,541
Dictator eyeball pong rules.

230
00:11:20,625 --> 00:11:22,625
Now drink, losers.

231
00:11:22,708 --> 00:11:23,541
[slurping]

232
00:11:24,833 --> 00:11:26,416
Nostrovia!

233
00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:29,291
[gasping] There they are. The cool girls.

234
00:11:29,375 --> 00:11:31,583
Remember, you own a robocall company,

235
00:11:31,666 --> 00:11:34,250
we met on Scream Harmony,
and we just got back from…

236
00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:36,250
Oh, what's the worst place
in the universe?

237
00:11:36,333 --> 00:11:38,041
Oh, I got it. San Diego.

238
00:11:38,833 --> 00:11:40,666
You're CEO?

239
00:11:40,750 --> 00:11:42,583
[scoffs, laughs]

240
00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:44,625
Your daddy didn't buy you a new nose,

241
00:11:44,708 --> 00:11:47,708
but at least he made you head
of his floundering corporation.

242
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:50,125
Well, I'm trying to fix that, but--

243
00:11:50,208 --> 00:11:52,833
I just became CEO of Facebook.

244
00:11:52,916 --> 00:11:57,500
The previous demon that was possessing
Mark Zuckerberg died inside of him.

245
00:11:57,583 --> 00:11:59,083
And is this your husband?

246
00:11:59,666 --> 00:12:03,041
[sighs] You both reek of that
"we got a bread maker as a wedding gift

247
00:12:03,125 --> 00:12:05,375
and tried to return it
for store credit" vibe.

248
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,666
[groaning]

249
00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:09,833
Lilith, you look like
you could use a top-off.

250
00:12:09,916 --> 00:12:11,250
I'll grab some drinks.

251
00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:15,666
'Sup, bro? I'm Todd. You party?

252
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:18,291
Does a hobgoblin's butt crack
run sideways?

253
00:12:18,375 --> 00:12:19,291
[laughs]

254
00:12:19,375 --> 00:12:23,500
Hey, think we could do some partying
in Satan's secret office?

255
00:12:23,583 --> 00:12:25,875
Maybe check out the root of all evil
or whatever.

256
00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:28,166
Whoa. That's off-limits, bro.

257
00:12:28,708 --> 00:12:31,166
[laughing] JK, my dude.

258
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:35,500
As we say in Hell, "Here freaking yeah!"

259
00:12:35,583 --> 00:12:37,583
-[wind gusting]
-[both panting]

260
00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:40,791
This is so nice, sweetie.

261
00:12:40,875 --> 00:12:43,625
We never do mommy-daughter days like this.

262
00:12:43,708 --> 00:12:46,458
Eh, you two. Stop right there, eh?

263
00:12:46,541 --> 00:12:47,791
[Abbie grunts]

264
00:12:48,916 --> 00:12:49,791
[grunts]

265
00:12:49,875 --> 00:12:53,416
-No! Please, eh, let go!
-See, hon? This is how you strangle.

266
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:56,375
When you hear gurgling,
that's when you know to stop.

267
00:12:56,458 --> 00:12:58,833
-Bacon.
-I call it the death gurgle.

268
00:12:58,916 --> 00:13:00,458
It used to be my ringtone.

269
00:13:00,541 --> 00:13:02,250
[gurgling]

270
00:13:02,333 --> 00:13:05,125
[Abbie humming]

271
00:13:05,208 --> 00:13:08,208
Wait, you were happy doing this job?

272
00:13:08,291 --> 00:13:11,416
Oh yeah, my life in the SEALs was a blast.

273
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:13,708
The USO shows were awesome.

274
00:13:13,791 --> 00:13:15,791
Ooh. Have you ever seen Carrot Top?

275
00:13:15,875 --> 00:13:18,416
He's got this thing
where it's a golf club on one end

276
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:21,333
and a stethoscope on the other, and…

277
00:13:21,416 --> 00:13:23,000
[laughs]

278
00:13:23,083 --> 00:13:26,041
-I don't wanna ruin it for you.
-So then, why did you quit?

279
00:13:26,125 --> 00:13:28,125
Well, I wanted to start a family,

280
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:32,291
like my own personal SEAL Team,
going on fun missions together.

281
00:13:32,375 --> 00:13:37,416
But you're into your school stuff,
and Travis has his unboxing obligations,

282
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:39,458
-so it's not quite what I--
-[Mountie grunting]

283
00:13:39,541 --> 00:13:40,375
Hey!

284
00:13:40,458 --> 00:13:41,666
-[Greta grunts]
-[groans]

285
00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:44,500
Great job, hon! You are a natural!

286
00:13:44,583 --> 00:13:47,000
Nah. Nah. But for real, yo.

287
00:13:47,083 --> 00:13:50,458
Y'all wouldn't believe
what a monster my bro Drawk used to be.

288
00:13:50,541 --> 00:13:51,416
[chuckles]

289
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:55,750
This guy is straight-banned from
the Eighth Circle, am I right? What, what.

290
00:13:56,333 --> 00:13:59,458
Drink up, ladies.
These are on me. [slurps]

291
00:14:00,041 --> 00:14:03,166
Yo, yo, I got the key. Let's go…

292
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:05,666
to Satan's office.

293
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:09,750
All the foosball, titty posters,
and unplaceable smells you can want.

294
00:14:09,833 --> 00:14:14,458
So after forcing everyone
to use soggy paper straws,

295
00:14:14,541 --> 00:14:18,791
I'm gonna mandate
eco-friendly compostable underwear.

296
00:14:18,875 --> 00:14:21,833
Remember that time when you tried
to form an improv team in high school

297
00:14:21,916 --> 00:14:24,375
because your dad was friends
with Wayne Brady?

298
00:14:24,458 --> 00:14:28,250
Then you had to do a one-woman improv show
because no one joined.

299
00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:33,041
And it was like somehow even sadder
than regular improv.

300
00:14:33,125 --> 00:14:34,666
[all laughing]

301
00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:37,208
[mysterious music playing]

302
00:14:38,916 --> 00:14:41,041
Hey, Lilith, I thought about it,

303
00:14:41,125 --> 00:14:43,666
and I'm happy
to lend you that money you asked for.

304
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,625
Uh, what money?
What are you talking about?

305
00:14:45,708 --> 00:14:48,750
You know, how you asked
to borrow some money from me

306
00:14:48,833 --> 00:14:50,791
because you spent so much
on couples therapy

307
00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:52,916
when you found out
your husband was cheating on you.

308
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,041
[gasping]

309
00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:56,125
That's absurd. Kevin loves me.

310
00:14:56,208 --> 00:14:58,916
You know,
he said you're annoying and stupid,

311
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,833
and you'll never be
as successful as Beelzebub.

312
00:15:00,916 --> 00:15:03,291
And when he sees you naked,
you look like a melting candle.

313
00:15:03,375 --> 00:15:04,666
His words, not mine.

314
00:15:05,958 --> 00:15:06,791
[whimpers]

315
00:15:08,166 --> 00:15:10,541
[whispering] Be quiet.
We don't wanna wake the guard moose.

316
00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:14,291
I've gotta admit, Mom,
I'm having fun hanging out with you.

317
00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:18,416
It's like having a spa day
but with balaclavas and vengeance.

318
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,958
Aw, I knew you'd come around, hon.

319
00:15:21,458 --> 00:15:25,375
Remember, this guy is a dictator,
but he's a Canadian dictator.

320
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:27,291
So expect him to be super polite

321
00:15:27,375 --> 00:15:29,458
right before we paint the walls
with his brains.

322
00:15:29,541 --> 00:15:30,500
Wait, what?

323
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:33,000
We are not killing anyone.

324
00:15:33,083 --> 00:15:34,750
Killing people is bad.

325
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,375
But he's bad, Greta.

326
00:15:36,458 --> 00:15:40,083
Every Christmas he eats reindeer live
on the Hallmark Channel,

327
00:15:40,166 --> 00:15:42,500
cohosted by Lacey Chabert.

328
00:15:43,125 --> 00:15:45,833
Okay. You can threaten his life,
give him a stern warning,

329
00:15:45,916 --> 00:15:47,833
and make him promise to change his ways.

330
00:15:47,916 --> 00:15:49,666
This would never happen in the SEALs.

331
00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:51,958
Our team was given orders,
we followed them,

332
00:15:52,041 --> 00:15:53,583
and we would accomplish our mission.

333
00:15:53,666 --> 00:15:55,791
But is that what your kids do? Nope.

334
00:15:55,875 --> 00:15:59,416
Well, what, may I ask,
did you think motherhood entailed exactly?

335
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,541
I thought motherhood
would be straightforward.

336
00:16:01,625 --> 00:16:03,500
I thought my kids
would wanna learn from me,

337
00:16:03,583 --> 00:16:05,083
but it's nothing like that at all.

338
00:16:08,291 --> 00:16:11,000
-[snoring]
-Wait a minute. That's why we're here.

339
00:16:11,083 --> 00:16:13,666
Missing out on this mission
isn't your biggest regret.

340
00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:16,708
Your regret was quitting the SEALs
to start a family on this day.

341
00:16:17,375 --> 00:16:21,625
Ha! See, it is. Travis and I,
we are your biggest regrets.

342
00:16:22,291 --> 00:16:23,125
[gun cocking]

343
00:16:23,208 --> 00:16:25,583
-[gasping]
-[dramatic music playing]

344
00:16:25,666 --> 00:16:28,000
-[gun firing]
-[grunting]

345
00:16:28,083 --> 00:16:30,291
[alarms blaring]

346
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:34,125
-Greta!
-No, Mom. I do not wanna talk to you.

347
00:16:34,208 --> 00:16:36,041
Eh, hold it right there, you hosers!

348
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,750
[gun cocks]

349
00:16:38,375 --> 00:16:39,541
[grunting]

350
00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:42,583
This would've never happened

351
00:16:42,666 --> 00:16:45,416
if you'd let me quietly murder
that man in his sleep.

352
00:16:46,125 --> 00:16:47,666
[moose bellows]

353
00:16:47,750 --> 00:16:50,458
Well, this also wouldn't have happened
if you'd stayed in the Army

354
00:16:50,541 --> 00:16:51,833
instead of having kids.

355
00:16:51,916 --> 00:16:53,375
Then we'd all have been better off.

356
00:16:53,458 --> 00:16:58,000
How dare you say something like that.
I wasn't in the Army. I was in the Navy!

357
00:16:58,083 --> 00:16:58,958
[Greta screaming]

358
00:16:59,041 --> 00:17:00,083
[music continues]

359
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:02,666
[grunts]

360
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:06,666
[grunting]

361
00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:09,041
-[moose bellows]
-Giddy up. [clicks tongue]

362
00:17:09,125 --> 00:17:10,250
Come on, boy.

363
00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:12,125
Whoo-hoo!

364
00:17:12,208 --> 00:17:13,916
Hell yeah!

365
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,291
That was awesome, wasn't it, honey?

366
00:17:16,375 --> 00:17:20,041
Sorry, what? I'm pretending I don't exist,
like you wished for.

367
00:17:20,125 --> 00:17:21,041
[sighing]

368
00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:23,166
[moose bellowing]

369
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:25,208
["Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol playing]

370
00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:30,541
-Thank you for that back there.
-My pleasure.

371
00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:34,083
I don't know why you wanted
to impress those idiots to begin with.

372
00:17:34,166 --> 00:17:35,791
That Lilith chick is awful.

373
00:17:35,875 --> 00:17:38,875
Also, she's clearly had work done
on those horns.

374
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:40,208
[both giggling]

375
00:17:40,291 --> 00:17:42,916
Seriously, though. Why do you care?

376
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,541
[scoffs] You don't get it.
I'm the spawn of Satan.

377
00:17:45,625 --> 00:17:46,833
It's a lot to live down to.

378
00:17:46,916 --> 00:17:49,625
You're CEO. You have lived down to it.

379
00:17:49,708 --> 00:17:52,250
Pfft! Yeah,
I'm knocking it out of the park.

380
00:17:52,333 --> 00:17:55,791
Look, only you and I know
how hard this job is.

381
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,125
Don't question yourself.

382
00:17:58,125 --> 00:17:59,791
Maybe those girls are right though.

383
00:17:59,875 --> 00:18:02,291
I basically sacrificed everything
for this.

384
00:18:02,375 --> 00:18:05,458
And now, once I'm waist-deep in it,
and I can't turn back,

385
00:18:05,541 --> 00:18:08,791
I'm like, "Was it worth it?
Do I even want this job?"

386
00:18:08,875 --> 00:18:12,708
-"Do I even belong down here at all?"
-It was. You do.

387
00:18:13,541 --> 00:18:15,000
I forgot the third question.

388
00:18:15,083 --> 00:18:16,708
[both laughing]

389
00:18:18,250 --> 00:18:22,541
To being lonely at the top,
or at the bottom, if you're in Hell.

390
00:18:23,458 --> 00:18:24,375
[slurping]

391
00:18:25,375 --> 00:18:26,416
-Ooh!
-These are strong!

392
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:28,916
These goat blood martinis
are not messing around.

393
00:18:30,541 --> 00:18:33,125
Hey, what do we have here?

394
00:18:33,208 --> 00:18:35,333
The key to my dad's office?

395
00:18:36,541 --> 00:18:39,458
Um… Wait! Better idea.

396
00:18:39,541 --> 00:18:40,791
The fire alarm.

397
00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:42,375
[dramatic music playing]

398
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,083
-[grunting]
-Ow! [groans]

399
00:18:48,166 --> 00:18:49,625
Why do my nuts hurt?

400
00:18:49,708 --> 00:18:51,500
Oh, right.

401
00:18:51,583 --> 00:18:54,791
If I hurt my one-hour-ago self,
I'll feel it as well.

402
00:18:54,875 --> 00:18:56,875
Oh. Is that so?

403
00:18:56,958 --> 00:18:57,875
[grunts]

404
00:18:57,958 --> 00:19:02,583
That's for kicking me in the balls.
How do you like us now Friar Tuck?

405
00:19:02,666 --> 00:19:07,166
Whoa, Travis, looks like
the alopecia gene struck a little early.

406
00:19:07,250 --> 00:19:08,083
[laughs]

407
00:19:08,166 --> 00:19:11,625
Well, I did it. I stopped other me
from stopping the show.

408
00:19:13,125 --> 00:19:16,666
♪ You put your right foot in
You take your right foot out ♪

409
00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:19,416
♪ You do the Horky Porky
And you turn yourself-- ♪

410
00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:22,041
The "Horky Porky"?

411
00:19:22,125 --> 00:19:23,458
[all laughing]

412
00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:27,083
I guess I'm just gonna have to put up
with the humiliation

413
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,541
of being the Horky Porky kid forever.

414
00:19:29,625 --> 00:19:32,041
Wait. I want you to see something.

415
00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:35,291
It was you!

416
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,250
[Marv] Yeah, Trav.

417
00:19:36,333 --> 00:19:39,625
It was me, and--
and I'm sorry I lied to you,

418
00:19:39,708 --> 00:19:42,166
but I'm not sorry
for capturing that moment.

419
00:19:42,250 --> 00:19:45,708
You got up there in front of everyone
and gave it your all.

420
00:19:46,208 --> 00:19:48,041
But everyone drags me for it.

421
00:19:48,916 --> 00:19:50,958
Son, there will always be bullies,

422
00:19:51,041 --> 00:19:55,166
uh, cyber or IRL,
but you have to ask yourself,

423
00:19:55,250 --> 00:19:57,708
"Do I change who I am to please them,

424
00:19:57,791 --> 00:20:00,916
or do I stand up
for the person I choose to be?"

425
00:20:03,458 --> 00:20:07,250
Hey, Marv. Psst.
It's me, you from the future.

426
00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:08,250
How's it going?

427
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:09,958
I knew this day would come.

428
00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:12,583
Okay, lay it on me.
What are tonight's lottery numbers?

429
00:20:12,666 --> 00:20:18,208
Are they 12345678? Statistically unlikely,
I know, but so is every other number…

430
00:20:18,291 --> 00:20:20,958
[both]
…if you really think about it, right?

431
00:20:21,041 --> 00:20:23,166
-Hey, I need your iPad to--
-[Travis] No, Dad.

432
00:20:23,250 --> 00:20:26,250
It's okay.
Past you can stream it if he wants to.

433
00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:30,000
You're right. What do I care
what boobwizard_420 thinks of me?

434
00:20:31,333 --> 00:20:35,708
Wait, that's what people's names
are in the future? That's awesome.

435
00:20:36,208 --> 00:20:37,916
-[laughs]
-Shh.

436
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,083
[both snickering]

437
00:20:41,083 --> 00:20:42,375
[whispering] Quiet.

438
00:20:44,916 --> 00:20:47,875
Um, excuse me, what are you doing?

439
00:20:47,958 --> 00:20:50,000
[sighing] Okay, hear me out.

440
00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:53,875
One of the main reasons
I wanted to come here was to see…

441
00:20:53,958 --> 00:20:55,500
the root of all evil.

442
00:20:55,583 --> 00:20:58,333
What? That's what you're so excited about?

443
00:20:58,416 --> 00:21:00,708
Well, you at least have to
take a shot of it.

444
00:21:00,791 --> 00:21:03,833
The root of all evil is alcohol?

445
00:21:03,916 --> 00:21:07,000
[laughs] No, that's just the dumb name

446
00:21:07,083 --> 00:21:09,208
for the scotch we distill in-house
down here.

447
00:21:09,291 --> 00:21:11,958
There is no single root of all evil.

448
00:21:12,041 --> 00:21:15,583
It's sort of just everywhere,
like tree pollen,

449
00:21:15,666 --> 00:21:19,208
or the tiny fecal particles
in the food at Chick-fil-A.

450
00:21:19,291 --> 00:21:20,500
[coughing]

451
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,291
[both grunting]

452
00:21:23,375 --> 00:21:26,541
It's like Napalm and halibut.

453
00:21:26,625 --> 00:21:27,625
[exhales]

454
00:21:30,583 --> 00:21:34,916
Oh, look a cute little spawn of Satan.

455
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,291
You were adorable. I see the resemblance.

456
00:21:38,375 --> 00:21:42,166
[scoffs] That's from when he opened
a no-kill shelter for plague rats.

457
00:21:42,250 --> 00:21:43,208
Such a legend.

458
00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:45,875
Huh. What's this?

459
00:21:47,083 --> 00:21:48,708
I'm not sure.

460
00:21:48,791 --> 00:21:52,041
The date at the top is a few days
before he died.

461
00:21:52,125 --> 00:21:55,041
"Dear Shirley, I thought you'd like to see
how much she's grown."

462
00:21:55,125 --> 00:21:57,250
"She looks more like you every day."

463
00:21:57,333 --> 00:22:00,791
"I'll try to make it back up
to Earth soon to see you."

464
00:22:00,875 --> 00:22:02,875
"With love, Satan."

465
00:22:02,958 --> 00:22:04,875
"P.S. I miss your butt."

466
00:22:05,583 --> 00:22:06,416
I don't…

467
00:22:07,083 --> 00:22:08,250
I don't understand.

468
00:22:09,458 --> 00:22:14,333
I think your dad had an affair
with a human woman named Shirley.

469
00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:16,875
Wait. So that means I'm…

470
00:22:16,958 --> 00:22:17,833
[gasping]

471
00:22:17,916 --> 00:22:19,541
[closing theme music playing]

472
00:23:06,916 --> 00:23:07,791
[music ends]